i look back at my posts and i think, i have changed so, so, so much. i don't use vulgarities anymore, i don't get mad anymore, i'm motivated and i embrace life. what can i say? God has worked a miracle in me. i can only say, thank You Lord. just the other day evan brought up how all of us changed, whether in our faces, or phases, or both. haha. and with val too! we talked about how we used to whine so much and now we don't understand how we even brought ourselves to behave like that. HAHAHA. it's funny, this. and i look at my friends and see how they've all changed to, some for the better, some not. in sociology we learnt how society is in us, as much as we are in society, and it's so true. i dont even think twice about the way i dress (in terms of the prevailing trends, like tank tops, shorts, etc) in another country, to leave my head uncovered is sacrilegious ( i learnt this new word today :D), much less expose 3/4 of my leg! so yeah, society does impact who we are in many ways we take forgranted. isnt it scary! what if we're wrong? what if women AREN'T supposed to be given as much freedom as men? didnt corinthians say it was shameful for women to speak up in church? doesnt my own church subscribe to that, as no women can become pastors or lead worship? strange eh. but so it is. i personally believe that men ARE supposed to...lead the women. they are supposed to protect us as themselves, or their better selves, to teach and guide us, but still to respect us. but they did not, they oppressed us, abused us, looked down on us. so we've been forced ? to fight back, stand on our own two feet, show them that they've been wrongwrongwrong. but i still dont believe that men and women are supposed to be exactly the same and equal. what men lack, women possess, and vice versa. that's precisely why God made eve right? to complement adam, not to be just like him!

but back to society and my friends. i recently found out that many people picked up smoking. and i am honestly shocked. my initial reaction is to condemn and shy away from them, etc. but i think about it and i know that i am only who i am today because God came to my rescue. else, i'd be just like them! worse actually, for i know i'm weak minded, rebellious, stubborn. people think good girls are born, but i stand before everyone and say, good girls are MADE not born. it's easy to be bad. i remember telling evan that it was a good thing i didnt get to go to canada before Os, because who's to say i wouldnt pick up smoking, get a crazy boyfriend, maybe get a tattoo and several (more?) piercings. i wouldn't put it past me. i dare to do it, i'm not afraid of the consequences, i actually don't care if there are any. well, i DIDN'T. but then He came and like a fairy-tale, really, made me want to live, made me want to love the unlovable, made me a good girl simply because now i SEE the point of being good, i have REASON to be good, and most of all, i DARE to be good. everything went from greyness to colour! so do i judge my friend who said she wouldn't ever club, but now does, ever so often? no. i know how she feels. do i judge my friend who looks for affirmation and happiness in guys? no. i know how she feels. do i judge those friends who smoke? no. i know how they feel. but what can i say to my friends to convice them? there is nothing to be said. a person doesnt decide to smoke simply because he wants to, or is offered a cigarette. he does it cos he doesnt care too much about life, he doesnt care too much about later consequences because right now, it hurts too much, it bores too much, it is just here and now, me and myself. and what can i possibly say to convince my friends that they're wrong, they have to open their minds and hearts and see that everything people say about life and its beauty is true! that there is hope, there is goodness, there is worth, there is a point to all this.

but what can i say? i cannot say anything. but at night, at home, in the silence, in my heart, i say many things, manymany things to the Lord who CAN convince them, who CAN change them, who CAN bring them out of the depths of despair and make their lives beautiful. i know, because He did it for me. why? i dont know...was it because i asked? i begged Him to show me the truth? or was it because He MADE it such that i would ask? i dont know, maybe it's both, but i know that if we really want to know the truth about life, we will ask Him one day, and He will show us, but only if we REALLY want it. Do you?

Having had studied Ariel for two years, the inevitable question arises: what killed sylvia plath?

was it her husband's adultery?
her children's eventual failure as a source of anchorage?
(These children are after something, with hooks and cries,/ And my heart too small to bandage their terrible faults. 'berck plage')
her "vulturous boredom" with life's mundane? ('hanging man')

i say, it was her intelligence.

compare Ariel to Another Place! look at how the former is so much more superior in form, literary technique, meaning, ORIGINALITY. her geniousity is undeniable, but that likely led to her arrogance.

she wants so desperately wants to know this "one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me", and yet before she gets an answer, she so contemptously remarks: "I know why you will not give it to me, You are terrified/ The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it".

of course, this is if you accept my interpretation that this birthday present she so wants is meaning to life, and the 'you' in question is God.

how i came to this conclusion?

1. perpetual christian references:

"the elect one"

"Let us eat our last supper at it"

"My god, what a laugh!'' , and again "But my god..."

"Let it not come by word of mouth"

2. she questions every aspect of life, thus reflecting her search/ questioning life/ asking the why, through looking at the what.

female domesticity: "When I am quiet at my cooking .../Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus, /Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules."

motherhood: "The diaphanous satins of a January window/ White as babies' bedding"

death (which she thinks to be the meaning to life (i.e. the birthday present she wants). Partly true, but fatally lacking in perspective. no pun intended.) :"If it were death I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.../There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday. "

3. what else can relate to the whole wide world, and yet relate to intimately to the individual, simultaneously?

"It stands at my window, big as the sky. [and yet] breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center/ Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history. "

thus we see that meaning to life applies to the whole physical existence of the world, and also to the individual's own existence.

the last time i brought it up in class, mr sas said it wasn't applicable cos 'meaning to life' is not a recurrent theme in Ariel. But look, the human desire to belong to a collective whole, to find anchorage (marriage, motherhood), her rejection of total female domesticity, all stem from a need to know WHY. Why live, marry, why mother, why subscribe to social prescriptions. thus, meaning to life!

so back to my point that it was her arrogance killed her.

if only she had humbly asked, she would have known!

'For this is what the high and lofty One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but am also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."' isaiah 57:15

and here you have the Plath essay i'd always wanted to write :)

there was this dream i had once, i was in this small, dimly lit room/house. like an old shop house. it was a sheltar for several kids with aids. and my duty was to guard the bathroom opening, cos they had no money to build a door. but this one little boy was really mischievous and he kept wanting to play with the water. then my friends came by the house and asked me to go out with them and while i was distrcted, the boy ran in the bathroom and started playing under the showerhose. then he suddenly became very afraid and started crying and lay on the floor, and the person-in-charge of the sheltar came in and quickly picked him up and took him away.

it was at this point in time that i learnt that they couldn't touch water or they'll fall very ill
( i also dunno why. haha) and the boy like, might die. and i was busy saying 'i'm very sorry, i didnt know, i was distrcted and he ran in...' then my mum came by and said i had to go, so i left, and then she was saying she needed to go buy a new house and i said ok, i need to go meet my friends. and we both laughed and said 'haha this feels so funny after leaving the sheltar, what we're fussing over seems so lame, compared to what they're fussing over'. then i woke up, and i felt awful because that's the truth! people in cambodia, africa, philippines, thailand etc spend each day, concerned with things that affect their life and death but we spend most of the time concerned with the new phone i want, the new jeans i need, the bag i covet etcetcetc, and it seems sososo ridiculously lame.

sometimes i walk by places like raffles hotel and i look at the shops like jim thompson, gucci etc and think ' it's so nice to live the life of a rich person'.
then i look at the people in vertu, paragon and wonder ' how rich are they, to be able to afford a phone (and it's services) like that?'

but i guess wealth isn't what we should really desire because when we get the big house and drive the larmborghini and whatever i'm convinced we'll find that it means nothingnothingnothing.

but i also think the affluent suffer as much as the poor, but in different ways.
the poor don't have food, water, sheltar, but they'll never suffer the insane levels of stress that work and studies can bring, they'll never suffer an identity crisis, they'll never suffer the ills of the corporate world. they won't face the mind blowing shock of bankruptcy or retrenchment either.

i believe suffering happens to every single person, everywhere, and it's of the same intensity.

but i know that if we all know that there's somebody in control of circumstances and situations, that we're all exactly where we're mean to be, and every single one of us is of innate worth, then suffering won't be so bad, then we can face life with hope and joy :)

okay so promos are over now. seems like i only blog after every exam. hahaha. i think i'm amazed at how God has changed me so much. the way i view studies and exams, my future, life etc. it's way cool :) but i know i forget ever so often, that i need not worry and i need not fear, that so long i study with Him in mind and enjoy it, He's pleased, and that's more than enough for me.


i know yunxing and joelynn have learnt this too! i'm gladgladglad.



sometimes i think about the future- will i promote? will i study in s'pore or will i go overseas? if i go overseas, will i come back? when? will the great tribulation happen in our lifetime? would i be able to live through it in faith and perseverance? - and then i find that in all of life's uncertainties, i can only turn to God for solace, cos only He knows, and only He is in control. And the reason why this brings me peace? Because if He could die for me (while i was His enemy), He would do anything else to help me.

haha, oh ytd i was walking out of sch and i bumped into my econs teacher, miss kat. not really bumped, she drove up next to me and asked if i wanted a lift out (it was really hot, see
?) haha. gorgeous. i was just dreading the looong walk out. then she rmbred she had to get sth from rail mall, so all the better for moi! miss kat's so cool, and her car's real cool too. all blue. told you colour coding's cool? hahahah. find me a replacement for the word 'cool'! anyway, she was asking me why i didnt hang out with the rest of the class and i thought ''actually, why arh?'' i mean, i think the class is quite nice after all..my vp's talk a long time ago help me remember to be joyful where i am, cos it's where God put me. (not that he said that, he can't. ) but you know, for the record, 4D is still way abv it up there! when're we having class chalet? not this year end i presume, it's too late to book anything right? boohoo. lets have a stayover!
and how abt 2B! we're also supp to have one!! dear me, i've got to remind somebody(s).


Loving you all and remembering every single one of my friends, good friends, best friends, long-time friends, and even acquaintences (did i spell that right?) (like the halfblind uncle at dover coffeeshop.) [no, i don't love him but i remember him, i mean.]

*anybody game to get a job in nov? heheh. i need to buy things, see?

• thank you God that you healed me, my finger and my fever.
  everyone said it would take weeks to heal but it only took 4 days! and my fever only lasted one day!
• thank you God that every sunday you give me good weather that i may have a fruitful tennis lesson. every week the storm clouds gather overhead but every time they disappear soon after. thanks lots!
• thank you God for letting me find you, that i may be close to you, to know you, to feel you. that my life is good. that i may have reason to study hard and well. that i'm convicted to be a nice (non bitchy) person..not that i ever was. haha.
• thank you God for my friends, my family, my school..that influenced me and in some indirect way, lead me to find you, to receive your precious gift of salvation, of truly and wholly knowing you personally.
• thank you God for your love to me.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)