warning: hardly ever updated

i look back at my posts and i think, i have changed so, so, so much. i don't use vulgarities anymore, i don't get mad anymore, i'm motivated and i embrace life. what can i say? God has worked a miracle in me. i can only say, thank You Lord. just the other day evan brought up how all of us changed, whether in our faces, or phases, or both. haha. and with val too! we talked about how we used to whine so much and now we don't understand how we even brought ourselves to behave like that. HAHAHA. it's funny, this. and i look at my friends and see how they've all changed to, some for the better, some not. in sociology we learnt how society is in us, as much as we are in society, and it's so true. i dont even think twice about the way i dress (in terms of the prevailing trends, like tank tops, shorts, etc) in another country, to leave my head uncovered is sacrilegious ( i learnt this new word today :D), much less expose 3/4 of my leg! so yeah, society does impact who we are in many ways we take forgranted. isnt it scary! what if we're wrong? what if women AREN'T supposed to be given as much freedom as men? didnt corinthians say it was shameful for women to speak up in church? doesnt my own church subscribe to that, as no women can become pastors or lead worship? strange eh. but so it is. i personally believe that men ARE supposed to...lead the women. they are supposed to protect us as themselves, or their better selves, to teach and guide us, but still to respect us. but they did not, they oppressed us, abused us, looked down on us. so we've been forced ? to fight back, stand on our own two feet, show them that they've been wrongwrongwrong. but i still dont believe that men and women are supposed to be exactly the same and equal. what men lack, women possess, and vice versa. that's precisely why God made eve right? to complement adam, not to be just like him!

but back to society and my friends. i recently found out that many people picked up smoking. and i am honestly shocked. my initial reaction is to condemn and shy away from them, etc. but i think about it and i know that i am only who i am today because God came to my rescue. else, i'd be just like them! worse actually, for i know i'm weak minded, rebellious, stubborn. people think good girls are born, but i stand before everyone and say, good girls are MADE not born. it's easy to be bad. i remember telling evan that it was a good thing i didnt get to go to canada before Os, because who's to say i wouldnt pick up smoking, get a crazy boyfriend, maybe get a tattoo and several (more?) piercings. i wouldn't put it past me. i dare to do it, i'm not afraid of the consequences, i actually don't care if there are any. well, i DIDN'T. but then He came and like a fairy-tale, really, made me want to live, made me want to love the unlovable, made me a good girl simply because now i SEE the point of being good, i have REASON to be good, and most of all, i DARE to be good. everything went from greyness to colour! so do i judge my friend who said she wouldn't ever club, but now does, ever so often? no. i know how she feels. do i judge my friend who looks for affirmation and happiness in guys? no. i know how she feels. do i judge those friends who smoke? no. i know how they feel. but what can i say to my friends to convice them? there is nothing to be said. a person doesnt decide to smoke simply because he wants to, or is offered a cigarette. he does it cos he doesnt care too much about life, he doesnt care too much about later consequences because right now, it hurts too much, it bores too much, it is just here and now, me and myself. and what can i possibly say to convince my friends that they're wrong, they have to open their minds and hearts and see that everything people say about life and its beauty is true! that there is hope, there is goodness, there is worth, there is a point to all this.

but what can i say? i cannot say anything. but at night, at home, in the silence, in my heart, i say many things, manymany things to the Lord who CAN convince them, who CAN change them, who CAN bring them out of the depths of despair and make their lives beautiful. i know, because He did it for me. why? i dont know...was it because i asked? i begged Him to show me the truth? or was it because He MADE it such that i would ask? i dont know, maybe it's both, but i know that if we really want to know the truth about life, we will ask Him one day, and He will show us, but only if we REALLY want it. Do you?